Batesey's Parenting Advice

So, I’ll tell you bit about myself, I’m a parent. Part of the young dad massive. So thought I might tell you about some steps to being a good parent, cause I’m a sharer, a true creator of worthwhile distribution.

First thing I learnt, about being a parent, hindsight, powerful shit. Condoms really are worth the effort.

But if it’s already too late for you here’s my steps you might need them;

Step one, resilience. Picked my kid up from school and they were like, “Daddy” and I was like, “Yes child” – They’re 6 but we’ve got a very formal relationship.

“Yes child, what would you like to talk about?”

“You know my friend Graham?”

“Yes Child”

“I really want to punch him Daddy”

Now a bit of context is needed here. Graham is a cunt, a proper little cunt. He’s the kid you give a lift home to and then takes it upon themselves to break wind in your car, then laugh and says something like “Oh I just did a bottom burp!”

Oh how fucking hilarious.

Now this Graham, there’s obvious something properly wrong with this boy, I mean when I smelt this, I almost crashed the car. I can almost still taste it in my mouth.

3 air refreshers later and my car still smells of that guff now.

So when I hear my lovely child say, they want to punch Graham, what I’m thinking is, yeah he could probably do with a slap. But I’m resilient!

I say, “Child, have you given Graham some feedback? Tell him how he’s upset you.”

“Yes daddy, I knew you’d say that but when I said did he just punched me”

What!?!

Now step two, no one punches my kids… But me, that’s like the law or something not even just a step. So now, controlling my anger, I’m like “Ok you need to listen to me now.”

“OK daddy what?”

I have their full attention, the words I say now are key.

“Have you got some mates you could bring into this? Never fight someone on your own and if you can attack them in the dark”.

At this stage I pass the kid a crayon… to make some notes; I’ve always had worries about their memory and then continue;

“Kid, never and I mean never, tuck your thumb into your fist when you punch someone. You could really hurt yourself doing that and all we both want is for you to hurt Graham”.

Afterwards I checked their notes, I mean they were largely pictures but I think they got the idea.

At times like these a father’s like an educator.

So after that I thought all was going well, you know Graham’s all sorted out now he got what was coming.  All except things now have all turned round, my kid is like a proper bruiser now and it’s clear I have to again step in…

Step three, controlling your kids.

So I sit down with the kid and say, “Right… Emily…”

“Enough is enough, the rest of the kids at school are all scared of you.”

“I know Daddy they all give me 20p every day…”

Now quietly, I am impressed but I don’t let on, you’ve got to control your kids.

“All? There’s like about 30 kids in your class?”

“Yes daddy I made £30 last week and I bought you this?”

She only gives me a brand new Ted Baker shirt. But, I keep a clear head focus on the problem here, so I was like, “Emily… 20p is about 20% of what they have to get their lunch; these are growing kids we’re talking about here. You must be able to jack it up to about 30 pence?!”

You’re probably wondering how I became such a strong father figure and the truth behind it is I had a great dad, a proper hero figure.

But is it me but when parents get older they seem to go a bit mental?

My old man is now a psychic full on medium shit.

So I try and be a supporting son, we sit down have a beer and ask “What the fuck is this?”

And he’s like, “I met my spirit guide last night”

So I try and normalise this in my mind think like he’s talking about a mate form work or something, “So what’s he called?”

“Jesus”

What?

“Jesus. When he was living, he lived a few thousand years ago in the middle east”.

Oh come on! I’m trying to believe you here!

But I try and stay cool, normalise this shit.

“So how’d you communicate, he’d speak Hebrew or something?”

“Well we don’t communicate in a verbal way”

Oh well that’s fucking convenient. Anyway apparently Jesus had a message for me, something regarding my parenting. This Jesus guy has a real bug bear about parenting as it goes, apparently his real dad wasn’t around that much, lived with mum and his step dad or some shit.

But what he told me was scary and I’ve been a believer ever since…

“Jesus said, you must tell Emily and this is important, there is a code of conduct for life and she must never, never… tuck you thumb in when punching someone, cause she could really hurt herself doing that…”